In recent posts, I’ve written about the high-level framework for reclaiming the margins of your life and the internal battle of taming imposter syndrome. Today, I want to get more personal and share the specific, tactical things I’m doing to manage a fresh wave of stress that’s been building in my own life.
Lately, stress has been coming from all sides, both at work and at home. On the professional front, the world of AI has thrown a kink into everyone's thinking. It’s causing a ton of thinking traps, triggering imposter syndrome, and creating real fear about long-term career plans. As a leader of very talented people, my thoughts immediately go to, "Well, if I am feeling like this, I can only imagine how others are feeling?" It’s a scary time, and opportunities that once felt secure in tech are being challenged by the very machines we’ve loved to create.
On a personal level, that work stress has a nasty habit of drizzling all over our personal lives. We tend to bottle it up and let it create more stress at home. The way we operate at work may not be effective at home. You might be a rockstar in the office, but being that "rockstar" at home means adapting in the blink of an eye—often in the few steps it takes to walk from the home office to the living room.
This has been challenging for me. At work, I’m a problem solver. I love to dive in and make things more efficient, effective, and productive. But at home, not everything that is happening needs a solution. As my wife of 18 years has lovingly pointed out, the remote control does not need to be "taught" to someone. You have to find a balance so that the stress of work doesn't bleed into home, and vice-versa.
My Support System: Giving Credit Where It's Due
I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have access to services provided by my employer. I use Lyra Health for my therapist (shoutout to Cyndi), who has been an awesome source of relief, allowing me to leave it all on the table and get feedback on how to destress and be a better me. I’ve also used BetterUp for coaching (shoutout to Lea and Bob). They have been outstanding in helping me get out of my own way, stay curious with my team, and tackle the day-to-day.
I understand that not everyone has access to these specific services. But I firmly believe that as members of this world, it's on us to always pay it forward. We must share the lessons we’ve learned so that others can find value in those experiences. We do it for our kids and others we love, so why not share it with anyone who has made it this far in a blog post?
So, here are two of my biggest breakthroughs.
1. The "Bug" in My System: Confessions of a Verbal Processor
I am a "verbal processor." For years, I just thought it was a quirk. It means that to understand something, I tend to repeat back what I just heard. It’s my active listening technique to ensure I’ve captured the situation correctly. For people who don't know this about me, it can be... a lot. My wife didn't even have a name for it until recently; it was just "that thing Dan does."
But my therapist and coach helped me identify a "bug" in this personal software. The part where I get into trouble is that while I'm verbally processing the problem, another part of my brain is already formulating a solution—and I blurt it out before I’ve even finished processing. In the process of validating the problem, I'm already jumping to the fix. This is a classic "problem-solver" mistake, and it's especially ineffective at home.
The fix is a conscious, deliberate effort to separate these two actions:
- 1. Process and Validate FIRST.
Now, I consciously stop myself. I verbally process only the situation. "So, what I'm hearing you say is that you're frustrated with X because of Y, and it's making you feel Z. Do I have that right?" Then I stop talking. I wait for validation. This act alone is incredibly powerful. The person feels heard, and I ensure I’m not about to solve the wrong problem. - 2. Ask Permission, Then Stay Curious.
Once I have confirmation, I don't just brain-dump my solution. Instead, I've learned it's better to remain curious. I'll ask, "Are you looking for a solution here, or do you just need to vent?" If they want a solution, I'll still hold back and ask probing questions. "That's tough. What have you already tried?" or "What do you think the root cause of that is?"
This approach gives my own brain time to refactor the situation, and the final recommendation is almost always better.
2. The Other Side: When Personal Stress Bleeds into Work
Now let's look at it from the personal side. For me, as a father, a significant source of stress is having to sit back and watch as my kids make choices that my wife and I may not agree with.
This can be very stressful and distract us from our daily work. But you cannot just set this stress aside. You need to learn to live in it and with it, but not allow that emotion to control you.
So how do I handle this? Much of what I do has to tie back to my faith. As a man of faith, I've come to the realization that we all have to learn the lessons that are being taught. The more we learn, the easier those lessons are to deal with the next time they're introduced. I truly pray a lot during a day. I take micro-moments to breathe, understand where my mind is at, give those troubles up to God, and realize that He can help.
And while this has helped tremendously, I think what has helped the most is understanding me. I've learned to recognize that my brain will create "thinking traps" (not intentionally) and those traps will lead me down very unforgiving holes.
For example, if my kids are in the process of making what I believe is a poor decision, I can sometimes become a "fortune teller." This is where I believe I can see the negative result of their decision before it has even happened. Many times this happens because the decision they are making is something I have already experienced, or it's simply because I don't have all the details that led them to their decision. Both scenarios lead to unnecessary stress.
I overcome this by recognizing when my brain is creating the thinking trap. I remind myself that lessons are taught over and over again until we learn them, and I understand that it is not my decision to be concerned with. This helps me focus my efforts where they can actually matter: on the support of my kids, not the control of their choices.
I just had this conversation with my daughter. I tried to impose some wisdom by telling her, "The choices we make, as long as we believe they are good choices that are founded and backed by facts and what we believe to be good, even if they do not come out the way we expect, are easier to recover from than if they were a bad choice made because of our own selfish needs or wants."
The Takeaway: Grace, Faith, and Wisdom
In the end, being a leader these days requires a bit of grace, a lot of faith, and wisdom. Funny enough, raising kids requires the exact same thing.
By learning to identify my mental patterns—whether it's my "verbal processing" bug or my "fortune teller" thinking trap—I can stop my emotions from taking control. By learning to be a source of wisdom for my kids while leaving the decision-making process up to them, I can find ways to negate the stresses of this world and leave room for joy, passion, and happiness in my own life. It's a conscious effort, every day, but it's the most important work we can do.